Christianity

Yesterday I tried to change my skin. I closed my eyes, squeezing out every ounce of light from my corneas, wishing I could peel off this brown bodysuit called melanin.

Maybe if we were all the same color we’d have no reason to hate. Right?

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At 6 am I scroll through my Twitter timeline, as I usually do, when I fall upon a hashtag; #AltonSterling

I’ve seen a number of these viral videos in recent years:
I watched as Eric Garner cried “I can’t breathe” while NYPD officers held him in an illegal choke-hold.

I watched in North Charleston, South Carolina when an officer gunned down 50- year old Walter Scott was running for his life.

I watched an underage girl was dragged in her bathing suit in McKinney, Texas.

Oh yeah, and there was the other young girl, in Spring Valley, SC, viciously dragged out of her school desk for acting out in class.

…but this one was different. Like a dam with nothing left to give, I broke.

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I don’t like tears.

Mascara smudges, eyeliner fades away and before I know it I look like one of Bozo’s long lost cousins.

I think about the many lives that were lost to gun violence this year and then, just as quickly, I forget.

At midnight I prepare to end my day, the same way I had began it. I scroll through my Twitter once more and there it was. Another hashtag.

#FalconHeightsShooting paired with #PhilandoCastille

Twice in less than 24 hours I was reminded of a pain I had tried to forget. Between gun violence and law enforcement egoism, my thoughts are scrambled. My heart races at 90 beats per minute as I try to put into words how I feel, and all I can say is this:

I don’t want to close my eyes tonight. Maybe if I keep them open long enough, another life won’t be lost as I blink.

I can’t say with certainty why these men were murdered in cold blood. I can’t say that their encounters with those cops were without cause, but when will the senseless deaths come to an end?

When there is nothing but a pattern of black men and women being slaughtered, what else is one left to think? What if you woke up in fear that the next victim was the person you loved most?

They tell me this is a post-racial society. They say, “I don’t see color.” Hmmm. Is that to say that you’d rather not address the “brown” elephant in the room? Let’s just cut out the chapter about the taboo history of this land, a history that that expects us to instinctual hate our fellow man.

I have experienced firsthand what that hatred can do to one’s heart, and roots that deep take centuries to uproot.

I want no part of it.

Racism is very much alive, but we can all do our part to obliterate its remains for good. If you see this statement as false, then you are also a part of the problem.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23

Why don’t we just stop killing each other? Who are we to decide another’s length of time on this earth?

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Have you ever stood in the shower for hours, hoping the scorching water would wash away the melanin?

I have.

Then I remembered that my “black is beautiful”and I will live fearlessly in the skin I’m in.

Today’s dental x-rays revealed that I had two cavities. Yea, I know it’s weird right? Colgate smiling ole me. 20 years of A+ teeth in all my previous dentists’ grade-book. Being the best over-dramatic female in the game this basically meant the world was ending …

On my way home, I found myself breaking down in tears asking “why me? What did I do to deserve this”.–Now I am a person that rarely shows my tears, so it caught me off guard when I couldn’t hold the flood of emotion in any longer. I consider crying as a sign of weakness that grants others inside access to our emotions. –I’ve heard that the eyes are the window to the soul so I try not to drench others when it’s raining in here. Some pull out their umbrellas and stay for a while eventually growing weary and cold, while others immediately run to avoid getting “involved” in the rain. The rare few are the ones to bring sunshine, but they don’t come around too often.

So I keep it in. . .Until time has proven that this individual will help walk me through the storm expecting nothing in return.

So there I was driving home, fogging my own windshields with these things we call tears, yet I had just let the most important person in my heart see me at my low point. Instead of leaving, he reminded me that he had died and risen for this. If you never experience fear, then for what reason will you need faith in him? Without loss, why would you need restoration? A time of mourning and gloom is the only reason one longs for joy and peace.

Funny thing is, a week before I had been bragging to my mom on how my teeth were oh so “perfect” and now I had reality drill me in the tooth. My dentist had caught the cavities at their beginning stages so there would be less drilling and more preservation of the teeth. Then the Holy Spirit’s wisdom hit me again, “At times God may need to drill things out of you before they get bigger and become more toxic. He will fill you up so that you are hardly ever the same. Though new “thing” may not feel comfortable at first it will help carry you through.

They drugged me with anesthesia, and the dental assistant kept tapping my head to distract me from the pain. “Tap tap tap tap” she chanted, as she continued hitting my forehead. Distractions may help ease the pain, but the aftermath is that you will feel it until it heals, and remember it even after it has passed. And that healing aids in renewing your strength to an even greater level. In Romans 15:13 Paul sincerely says:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (NLT)

The moment the dentist said I had those cavities ,I can honestly say all my faith slipped away. True joy comes when you realize that you are literally nothing without the hand of God, but holding to faith allows God complete control to give you his best. I had forgot this. When my dentist finished filling my teeth she said, “you are now cavity free” yet I still cringed with sadness and even doubt of the cavities existence, but upon reflection I realized that ultimately nothing else matters without Him. A mouthful of teeth for a lifetime and eternal separation from God or two “bad” teeth, and everlasting relationship with my Heavenly Father. I’ll take the latter. Other people have bigger problems so, teeth or no teeth I’ll still smile, and no one can take that away. Teeth decay, the hottest styles decay, friendships decay, and eventually we decay… But this Joy that He gives doesn’t and life with Him is eternal. 🙂

Kwani A. Lunis

Multimedia Journalist

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Rid me on my melanin

Trust

Why I Love Jesus Challenge

this Joy that I have